Dear Friend,
A few days ago, my husband and I were winding down our day, and I read a letter out loud to him that I wrote during a difficult time in my life. My hubby had tears in his eyes, and as soon as I’d finished reading, said, “Now that’s how you should blog!” He has been encouraging me ever since to be more real with you, my cherished reader. To be myself. And to write more from my heart.
Today is a day that I have been dreading for weeks. The first anniversary of my father’s death. I spent the past days reminiscing about my dad. I reread some of his letters to me. Listened to some Neil Diamond songs, which he loved. Noticed cars that he would have admired.
But none of those activities that he would have enjoyed or partaken in will bring him back. It’s over these past weeks that I have realized that what makes grieving so hard, is that you so much want to grieve with the person you are actually grieving for.
I would have loved to have had my dad beside me while “Sweet Caroline” was playing on Youtube. I would have watched the tears forming in his eyes as his favourite singer hit that final, powerful note. And told him how much I miss his sensitive heart.
I would have so much enjoyed my dad’s expressive comments had he seen the new Fiat that just came out, which I recently spotted on the road. I would have stared at him with a smile as he studied every little, new feature on the car. I would have told him that I so much miss his mannerisms and expressions. So, yes, it would make grieving easier if I could just go through it all with my dad by my side.
And then another thought has hit me. I miss my dad. But does he miss me? I wish I could receive a letter in the mail telling me where he is, and how much he misses me. A note that I could hold close to my heart, and that would comfort me when I miss him most.
The hard and ugly truth behind my romantic thoughts though, is that my father died without knowing the Saviour. The Son of God who died for sins, and rose again, was rejected by his mind and scorned by his heart. (John 1:12-13). It is possible that I will see my dad when I reach Heaven. But not probable. The cold reality is, that my father is likely enduring eternal torment at this very moment in time, and will be for all eternity. This is the stark hand that slaps me in the face each time I think of and miss my father. I don’t know whether I will ever see him again. And that hurts. It stings. And it yanks me out of the utopian dream; the exact warm and cosy zone in which I want to dwell.
This day, one year later, has come and is on its way out again. I spent the day at home. With the family that God has gifted me. I cooked. I cleaned. I emailed. I instructed my children in righteousness. The wonderful ordinary. And in the evening, I laughed. I played with my children. I chased my son around the house in jest. I tickled my eldest daughter. I mimicked my two year old as she squealed with glee.
This is where I dwell. Among the living. Not the dead. This is where God has placed me. As my joy and peace are resurrected from the ashes of mourning. I find abundant life (John 10:10). I discover the present. And I look forward to the days of my life yet ahead, unnatural as it may seem on this hard day. One day, when my time comes, I will be taken to where I belong, and will spend an eternity with God. Help me, Lord, to set my sights on you. The Living One who gives abundance in life. Thank you that you have provided a good ending to this dreaded day.
What days do you dread, and what helps you focus on God in your hardships?
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Thank you for sharing your heart with such transparency.
I believe you wrote words that many of us are experiencing or one day will face. I think of my husband's father who was such a sweet and gentle man on earth, but He did not know Christ as Savior, and unless by God's mercy and grace meeting him in his death, my father-in-law is now suffering eternal torment. It's something I end up just pushing way down, trying not to think about... Or my own father who is still alive, but does not know the Savior, even after many attempts to share the Gospel with him or be a witness through my own life. I cannot even comprehend knowing where His eternal home will end up being.
Your words were an encouragement redirecting our thoughts to the One who has saved us, indeed a wonderful ending to any day.
Oh Karen, thank you so very much for sharing about your own family. It truly is only by the grace of God that any of us are saved and have the privilege of spending eternity with our Lord. We are no better than the ones who aren't... but God has shown such undeserving mercy to us... I value your comment so very very much... Thank you for writing it here at Women Abiding. You are such an incredible blessing to me! xoxo
It is not easy to open up with such a personal subject, thank you for sharing. Remember that the Lord works in mysterious ways and you never know what is of your Dad.
Take Care!!
Oh I loved your comment, Jay! Thank you for your precious encouragement, and you're right, this is one of those secret things that belongs to the Lord! I think we'll be very surprised when we get to Heaven of who will be there, and who won't be there... Thank you for your kind words...
awesomely beautiful post, bless you.
You're so sweet... Thanks so much for your lovely words, Denise!
Wow, it certainly takes a lot of strength to go through this - and even more to share. I doubt my parent's salvation, and this is a real spur to me to make that extra effort in talking with them.
May the Lord save your parents speedily, Loren. He knows those whom are His...
I, like you, have gone through lots of grieving in my life. My mother, my father, my brother, and my first husband. My brother and husband were both young and had accidental deaths. I grieved for them. When grief is new it is difficult, but at some time we learn to be thankful for our lives and continue to live. Your husband is right, you have lots to say and can be very helpful to others.
What a personal post - and so well-expressed. I think death and loss do help us keep our perspective about life and living it well. Thank you for writing this!
Absolutely agree with you, dear Debbie! So great to have you here, and look forward to getting to know you more...xx
Thank you so much for being brave enough to share your heart with us. You've encouraged me in so many ways. I have so much to ponder and pray about now. May God bless you and wrap His arms of comfort and strength around you.
How sweet you are, Kelsey! You're the one encouraging ME! Blessings to you too, my precious sister! xx
Thank you for sharing from your heart at "Tell Me a Story."
I personally know of two who made heaven by the skin of their teeth (so to speak.) I know you are wondering and grieving for your dad. God promises to wipe away our tears for those who don't make it in and we hoped tht they did. Then, you do not know the surprizes in store when it is revealed that many were met while in their coma and allowed a last chanch to receive Jesus. All it took was a "Yes" answer. I do hope that was the experience of your Dad.
Oh, what a hard realization that is! When Jesus said "let the dead bury their dead" it sounded pretty harsh, but we do have to live among the living, as you say. Praying for you right now. Keep doing good, and don't grow weary. :-)
Thank you so much, Cindy! What an encouragement you have been to me! Love your blog! God bless you xx
So glad I linked up with you via SDG. My mother passed away 10 months ago this Thursday. To be honest, I am dreading the first anniversary of her passing, which has been heavy on my heart lately b/c I know it is coming... and then I clicked over and read your words. Thank you. God always knows the encouragement we need. You have encouraged me that it is ok to remember, but that I here among the living and not the dead. Beautiful post and I am thankful for your obedience in writing it. God bless and comfort you.