Grief Series

Part 1 – My Story and Tools To Help You Overcome Grief

Part 2 – How To Recognize God In All Circumstances

Part 3 – Can You Really Trust God?

What if I told you there was something you could do that would eliminate 80% of the pain you are carrying as a result of losing someone in your life to death (or any broken relationship for that matter)?

 Over the past weeks since I began this series on grief, so many of you have shared your stories of loss with me. I would like to thank you for revealing your hearts, and say that I am genuinely excited to share with you what I have found to be the most practical, helpful, and powerful tool in dealing with grief, apart from the Bible itself!

There are many expressions of writing by the Biblical authors in response to their grief (Lamentations, Job, Psalms, etc.). The tool that I would like to introduce is of a similar nature. It involves the writing of a letter. A letter which needs to contain the following five specific elements:

5 Elements to Include in the Letter (In This Order)

Give an Update

The first thing you are going to do is to share with your loved one what has been going on in your life since he/she passed away. Tell them everything you want them to know about the children, your spouse, the house you purchased, and events that have happened since you last saw them. Share anything you would like to tell them about your life.

Since I wrote my letters 9 years after my mother and sister were killed, I had a lot to update them about, so this part of my letter was quite long. I can tell you, though, that it felt absolutely great to share about my life with them. I had never before realized how much I  missed having them hear about the way my life had unfolded.

“Thank You For…”

Next, write everything, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem, that you would like to thank your loved one for. Be sure not to leave out items that you would like to thank them for not doing/being/going, etc. Feel free to be random, it doesn’t have to be in chronological order, or from greatest gratitude to least. This is your letter, so you get to write whatever you want as it comes to mind!

“I’m Sorry For…”

This is pretty self-explanatory. Tell your loved one everything that you are sorry for. If the tears haven’t begun to flow by now, they probably will during this part of the letter. (But rest assured knowing that you will be in good company, because Jesus Himself wept at the loss of His dear friend, Lazarus. – John 11:35) You’ll find it’s incredible how much has been left unsaid that you wish you could apologise for, but never thought of or got the chance to say. I was amazed, as I was writing my letters, how sorry I was for even the smallest and silliest things I had done or said, in addition to the biggies! 🙂

“I Forgive You For…”

Sometimes we know all too well what we need to forgive our loved one for. But often, we don’t know until we start to remember the nitty gritty of our relationship, and the inevitable hurts and pain associated with almost any relationship on this earth. You are a sinner, and your loved one was a sinner, and chances are you won’t have to think too hard about occasions that you need to forgive your precious one for (Matthew 6:14, 18:21-22).

“Goodbye”

I don’t know how it will be for you, my friend, but for me, this little word was the hardest to say. So much has already been offloaded as you have worked through your letter, but there is one final piece to complete this puzzle; one concluding gesture as you release your loved one from your life, and that is to say, ‘Goodbye.’

I must have sobbed for an hour before I could even pen those seven letters. Saying ‘Goodbye’ does not mean that you will no longer think about, long for, miss, or even grieve for your loved one. It is simply a necessary step in going on with your own life. Now that you have expressed what was weighing you down, and preventing you from truly living your life with a light and free heart, it is time for you to say, ‘Goodbye.’

_________________________

If you’ve read this far, I’m already proud of you! Writing ‘the letter’ is probably something you are considering doing, and if so, you most likely have no idea what a blessing you are inviting into your life. Trust me, you will be doing the right thing!

A Few Instructions Before You Begin

Be Prayed Up

Spend some time praying in preparation for this special time that you will have writing your letter. Ask God to truly use the letter in your life, to bring clarity of thought, and an open heart to deal with the issues and emotions that will come up during your writing.  (Matthew 6:6)

Be Alone

Send the hubby, the children, even the dog, out of the house for a few hours. This is a sacred time.

Be Prepared

You need to have zero distractions during this time, so go to the bathroom first, have a drink of water or a flask of coffee beside you, and turn everything from the phone to your oven timer off. Ideally, you should not get up and away from your letter during the entire time of writing. Oh, and have those tissues handy 🙂

Be Old Fashioned

Yup, you’re going to put pen to paper! Good old fashioned writing. Like with your fingers… on actual physical paper :-). There is just something about the art of  writing that stirs the heart. Maybe it is that your mind actually has time to think and process slower than your hands can write – and you’ll be taking a step toward  far less temptations by not being on the computer in the process.

Be Real

Last, but by no means least, understand that you are not writing this letter for the sake of your loved one. You are writing it for the sake of your future, your family, and your freedom. So be real. No one ever has to read this letter. You can burn it as soon as you’ve written it if you like. The idea is to get it off your chest. So give it your all, dear one, and write from the depths of your heart!

My Own Experience

I had two very different experiences with each of the two letters I wrote. When I wrote to my mother, I literally lost my voice as the inner pain and hurt that I had carried for years came out vocally in wails over the period of a few hours (graphic, I know!).

As I sat down, all prepared, to write to my sister, however, I was shocked to discover that I was actually angry with her. The first words on the page of my letter were, “I have a box of tissues beside me, but I have no intention of using even one of them.” As I updated, thanked, apologised, and forgave, I confess that I got through the better part of that tissue box, and to use a cliché, ‘I was never the same again.’

I don’t know what your experience will be, beloved, but I would absolutely love to hear what you think about the possibility of writing these words to your loved one.

Even more so, I yearn to know how you found the use of this tool, and what it did in your life once you had written your letter. I am praying for you.

Please download a printable that I made up for you to have on hand while you write the letter to remind you of these steps :-). Click here.

May the God of peace be with you all. Amen.

Romans 15:33