Dealing With Grief: A Practical and Powerful Tool!

Grief Series

Part 1 – My Story and Tools To Help You Overcome Grief

Part 2 – How To Recognize God In All Circumstances

Part 3 – Can You Really Trust God?

What if I told you there was something you could do that would eliminate 80% of the pain you are carrying as a result of losing someone in your life to death (or any broken relationship for that matter)?

dealing-wth-grief-practical-powerful-tool-womenabiding

 Over the past weeks since I began this series on grief, so many of you have shared your stories of loss with me. I would like to thank you for revealing your hearts, and say that I am genuinely excited to share with you what I have found to be the most practical, helpful, and powerful tool in dealing with grief, apart from the Bible itself!

There are many expressions of writing by the Biblical authors in response to their grief (Lamentations, Job, Psalms, etc.). The tool that I would like to introduce is of a similar nature. It involves the writing of a letter. A letter which needs to contain the following five specific elements:

5 Elements to Include in the Letter (In This Order)

Give an Update

The first thing you are going to do is to share with your loved one what has been going on in your life since he/she passed away. Tell them everything you want them to know about the children, your spouse, the house you purchased, and events that have happened since you last saw them. Share anything you would like to tell them about your life.

Since I wrote my letters 9 years after my mother and sister were killed, I had a lot to update them about, so this part of my letter was quite long. I can tell you, though, that it felt absolutely great to share about my life with them. I had never before realized how much I  missed having them hear about the way my life had unfolded.

“Thank You For…”

Next, write everything, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem, that you would like to thank your loved one for. Be sure not to leave out items that you would like to thank them for not doing/being/going, etc. Feel free to be random, it doesn’t have to be in chronological order, or from greatest gratitude to least. This is your letter, so you get to write whatever you want as it comes to mind!

“I’m Sorry For…”

This is pretty self-explanatory. Tell your loved one everything that you are sorry for. If the tears haven’t begun to flow by now, they probably will during this part of the letter. (But rest assured knowing that you will be in good company, because Jesus Himself wept at the loss of His dear friend, Lazarus. – John 11:35) You’ll find it’s incredible how much has been left unsaid that you wish you could apologise for, but never thought of or got the chance to say. I was amazed, as I was writing my letters, how sorry I was for even the smallest and silliest things I had done or said, in addition to the biggies! 🙂

“I Forgive You For…”

Sometimes we know all too well what we need to forgive our loved one for. But often, we don’t know until we start to remember the nitty gritty of our relationship, and the inevitable hurts and pain associated with almost any relationship on this earth. You are a sinner, and your loved one was a sinner, and chances are you won’t have to think too hard about occasions that you need to forgive your precious one for (Matthew 6:14, 18:21-22).

“Goodbye”

I don’t know how it will be for you, my friend, but for me, this little word was the hardest to say. So much has already been offloaded as you have worked through your letter, but there is one final piece to complete this puzzle; one concluding gesture as you release your loved one from your life, and that is to say, ‘Goodbye.’

I must have sobbed for an hour before I could even pen those seven letters. Saying ‘Goodbye’ does not mean that you will no longer think about, long for, miss, or even grieve for your loved one. It is simply a necessary step in going on with your own life. Now that you have expressed what was weighing you down, and preventing you from truly living your life with a light and free heart, it is time for you to say, ‘Goodbye.’

_________________________

If you’ve read this far, I’m already proud of you! Writing ‘the letter’ is probably something you are considering doing, and if so, you most likely have no idea what a blessing you are inviting into your life. Trust me, you will be doing the right thing!

A Few Instructions Before You Begin

Be Prayed Up

Spend some time praying in preparation for this special time that you will have writing your letter. Ask God to truly use the letter in your life, to bring clarity of thought, and an open heart to deal with the issues and emotions that will come up during your writing.  (Matthew 6:6)

Be Alone

Send the hubby, the children, even the dog, out of the house for a few hours. This is a sacred time.

Be Prepared

You need to have zero distractions during this time, so go to the bathroom first, have a drink of water or a flask of coffee beside you, and turn everything from the phone to your oven timer off. Ideally, you should not get up and away from your letter during the entire time of writing. Oh, and have those tissues handy 🙂

Be Old Fashioned

Yup, you’re going to put pen to paper! Good old fashioned writing. Like with your fingers… on actual physical paper :-). There is just something about the art of  writing that stirs the heart. Maybe it is that your mind actually has time to think and process slower than your hands can write – and you’ll be taking a step toward  far less temptations by not being on the computer in the process.

Be Real

Last, but by no means least, understand that you are not writing this letter for the sake of your loved one. You are writing it for the sake of your future, your family, and your freedom. So be real. No one ever has to read this letter. You can burn it as soon as you’ve written it if you like. The idea is to get it off your chest. So give it your all, dear one, and write from the depths of your heart!

My Own Experience

I had two very different experiences with each of the two letters I wrote. When I wrote to my mother, I literally lost my voice as the inner pain and hurt that I had carried for years came out vocally in wails over the period of a few hours (graphic, I know!).

As I sat down, all prepared, to write to my sister, however, I was shocked to discover that I was actually angry with her. The first words on the page of my letter were, “I have a box of tissues beside me, but I have no intention of using even one of them.” As I updated, thanked, apologised, and forgave, I confess that I got through the better part of that tissue box, and to use a cliché, ‘I was never the same again.

I don’t know what your experience will be, beloved, but I would absolutely love to hear what you think about the possibility of writing these words to your loved one.

Even more so, I yearn to know how you found the use of this tool, and what it did in your life once you had written your letter. I am praying for you.

Please download a printable that I made up for you to have on hand while you write the letter to remind you of these steps :-). Click here.

 May the God of peace be with you all. Amen.
Romans 15:33

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60 Comments

  1. Thank you for these practical steps. This is super helpful. Especially having the elements of helping someone deal with grief broken down into specific, actionable steps. So good.

  2. I just wrote my letter! I cried. But it felt right! Thanks for your encouragement and direction, I already feel lighter. I am now off to sing to God “You’re all I want, you’re all I’ve ever needed!” This post truly blessed and helped me, thank you!

    1. PRAISE THE LORD, Amber!!! I can’t tell you what this means to me… If my experience and advice could help even ONE person, then it has been worth it, and so far YOU are the one person! When I wrote my letters, I also felt so much lighter (probably because I shed so many tears, there were none left in my body :-)), but it took a while for my heart and mind to catch up. So give yourself time, now that you’ve taken this HUGE step, and alot has come out, just to let your heart rest, and feel what it feels… There is no pressure to never “grieve” again… it’s a process… a loooong process, but writing this letter is a tremendous step to dealing with it all! I am SOOOOOOO (x10000) proud of you, my friend!!! Honestly! You are a brave woman, and I’m here cheering you on… PLEASE don’t hesitate to contact me with any more thoughts or questions you may have. We’re in this together! With my love to you… Tehila xxx

  3. Thank you for sharing your tangible way to release grief. I can see that it is a powerful method to receive peace. Thank you for sharing at “Tell Me a Story.:”

  4. these are some really helpful tips for such a hard subject. I know when my grandmother passed away a few years ago I was in a really bad place for a long time.

    Thanks for linking up the to Friend Connect Blog Hop today!

    Co-Host // Justynn
    Creative Life Antics

  5. Great post! My husband and I were just talking about this, this week. How people now days can struggle with or even try to bypass the grief process. Yet, even in loss, I think God is teaching us something….He is always teaching us something. Thank you for offering tools to all of us, for healing!

    1. You’re so right, Jen! Grief, unfortunately, is still a rather taboo subject in our culture and society. There aren’t too many out there who aren’t dealing with bereavement in some form or another, so practical tools are good to have on hand. God bless you, beautiful sister!

  6. I can see this as such a healing and cathartic experience. And I wonder if the same process would work for other forms of grief – writing a letter to a job you hoped to get, the person you wanted to be, etc.

  7. I am mourning the loss of my dad to a hit and run driver. Some days are good, some moments are so painful. I’m not sure I can do this now, but it moved me and I will keep it in mind. Found you through Jolene Engle’s blog. Thank you for this.

    1. Precious, precious, Lynn. I had tears in my eyes as I read your note, and I am so, so sorry to hear of your shocking loss. I lost my father less than a year ago to cancer, and I have still not been able to face writing ‘the letter’ to him, so I can totally relate to not being ready. Do keep it in mind for the when the pain and shock because less raw. I have found that writing the letter is so effective especially with those who have been taken from us suddenly, since we didn’t have the chance to say so much of what is on our hearts to say. My beloved, I am with you in heart and prayer. May God strengthen you, be the lifter of your head, and draw you closer to Himself through this difficult time. xox

  8. Last year we lost two people that mattered to us and in both cases I felt the need to write about it. Although I didn’t use your formula, the writing really helped. I can see how the format would make a huge difference! This is a wonderful idea.

  9. This is wonderful advice. I am not dealing with grief (at the moment) but I always find writing to be extremely therapeutic. The structure you provide could apply to many situations. This is a wise post! Thank you!

  10. This is beautiful and although I have never written a letter, I know people who have. I’ve had friends who felt like they had “unfinished” business with loved ones who had died unexpectedly, so something like this is very powerful and gives some closure, I think.

    My mom still talks to my dad. It brings her comfort.

    Also, just popping back by to say that the new “Making Your Home Sing Monday” linky party is now live and ready for your posts! http://www.momstheword–livingforhim.blogspot.com/2013/06/when-your-husband-wont-pick-up-after.html

  11. This is such a powerful and helpful post! I have not lost anyone yet and am not going through this process myself – but I downloaded the PDF so I can have it on hand – for myself and/or others who I know who may need it! Thank you for putting this together… who can know how many people this will help to heal and set free!

  12. Hi Tehila,

    Thank you for another powerful post on grief. In my pastoral work I often suggest letter writing, as it can be such a healing process over time. I have shared your post, as I’m sure it will help many. Blessings.

  13. I am going to pin this post for when I need it for someone else. I hope to never need it! I wish you had given this to me many year ago when I went through the deaths of my husband, my brother, my father, and my mother. I am totally healed now and I have written posts about the deaths of all of the above in my family history blog. I actually felt that was a way to honor the people who had gone before me and to have the stories for my children and grandchildren, and my nieces and nephews and their families. I really had the hardest time with my husband and brother, because they were young and it was harder to understand. My parents were older and in poor health. I had time to sit and talk with them and share my feelings with them while they were alive. Again, thank you for such a wonderful post. It will be here and help many people for a long time to come.

    http://agutandabutt.blogspot.com/

    1. I too hope you never need this post, dear Betty! I’m so pleased and blessed to hear that you have dealt so well, with God’s help, with the loss in your life. May He bless you…

  14. Hi! I found you at fellowship Fridays! I have not had a death in my life that I need to deal with, but have recently experienced a very painful friendship severance. Every time I talk about it I cry, and I felt yesterday that I really needed to spend sometime with Jesus, talking and getting things sorted out. I know God brought me to this site, I am planning to write a letter for myself this week! I am so very thankful for you sharing this, I really needed direction in sorting out my feelings!

    1. Beloved Amber, I was so touched to read your comment, and this letter would be absolutely PERFECT to write in your situation. I truly believe you will be amazed at just how much it will help you to deal with the sting and pain surrounding your severed friendship. I’d love to hear how it impacted you, once you’ve written it, so keep in touch 😉 I am thankful for YOU!!! xx

  15. I am not in grief right now, but reading what you wrote here I just kept thinking how beautiful it was. You have something here I think to share in more than just a blog. Glad I came over from Thankful Thursday…

    1. Wow, Pam! Thank you for this encouragement, dear new friend! I am seriously thinking of forming an eBook with this Grief Series as it’s core, so your comment is a real confirmation to me! Thank you!!! xox

  16. Dealing with grief is sure a difficult thing. It is also difficult to watch those you love deal with it. Great post here to help us.

    Thanks for linking up with Woman to Woman’s Word Filled Wednesday! Join us next week!

    Jenifer

    1. Thanks Jenifer… yes, grief is definitely a way that God refines us, and even supporting those who are grieving is a challenge, but blessing too. Appreciate you stopping by!

  17. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing with us your grief as well as using the encouragement you have received from your Lord to encourage and help others that are going through the same kind of grief! You bring joy to your Father’s heart.
    Much love XX
    Mia

  18. Wow!!! Powerful stuff, Tehila. Thanks so much for sharing these tools and the way your grief journey was impacted by doing them–that alone, is very vulnerable and brave of you. I’m definitely going to bookmark this post for future reference and tweet about it as well. Great job, my friend! Love it!

  19. How helpful this series is. If you don’t mind I will be forwarding this post to a few people that may benefit from this right now. Stopping by from Titus Tuesday.

  20. Wow, Tehila. I am not dealing with grief {yet} but I still found myself tearing up at the thought of it. This is indeed a powerful tool for those that are dealing with loss. I am sharing this on FB & Twitter in a bit.
    Have a wonderful week and thanks, as always, for sharing things that will truly help and bless others.
    xoxo

    1. Thank you so much, my friend! I pray that the Lord would use this tool for many to be helped in their grief. By the way, this letter can even be written to living folks without necessarily ever giving it to the one we are writing to. Any broken relationship… You are such a faithful sister and I truly appreciate you, Claire <3

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