5 Surprising Reasons Wives Lash Out At Their Husbands

If you are anything like me, the person you take most of your frustrations out on is your spouse. One of the hardest lessons you can learn in marital life is to discipline yourself not to heap your negative emotions on to your husband. <– Click to Tweet

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In order to improve your marriage over this next year, the following 5 surprising reasons wives lash out at their husbands are based on observations from my own life. These may be helpful to you in recognizing patterns that cause irritability in your own relationship (Spoiler: you’re going to see a dark side of this blogger :-(. Read on if you dare…):

When You Are Tired

Fatigue is probably the number one factor which wreaks havoc in your body, both physically and emotionally. When you feel tired caution should be taken in exerting extra discipline as a wife when dealing with your precious husband. When you and I feel fatigued, altered perception, decreased patience, and pride take front stage, trampling all who are in the front row seats – almost always our loved ones. Simply being conscious of getting enough sleep at night can go a very long way in eliminating a variety of stress factors in your life, which could easily spill out unfavourably onto your husband.

When You Have Been Uncommunicative

When, either for lack of time, opportunity, or desire I have not communicated where I am at, what I am feeling, or what I am going through, with my hubby over the course of any period of time, I begin feeling lonely, jammed up, and frustrated. This in turn rears its ugly head in the form of snide remarks, negativity, and eventually outward, resentful anger.

You and I need to be aware that at times the source of our lashing out is because there are things going on inside of us that simply need to be expressed and shared, rather than bottled up, and then explode onto our loved ones.

When You Are Unproductive

You may roll your eyes or sink into an ‘I’ll never get there’ attitude when you read about the Proverbs 31 woman in the Bible, but there is so much to be learned from her example. One word that you could never accuse Miss 31 of is being unproductive! If she had been, I can guarantee that she would not have respected, cared for, and esteemed her husband as much as she did. Being unproductive can make you, as a woman designed to accomplish, serve, and function in the home, feel useless and depressed.

As a result, your husband and children will be directly affected, both in the home, and by your attitude. When you procrastinate or are lazy in doing what needs to be done, life simply doesn’t work, leading to tasks and tensions accumulating. A happy and cheerful wifie this does not make!

When You Are Disorganized

Forgetting, misplacing, fumbling between this and that… which woman is comfortable in this state? A woman who knows where everyone in her home should be, who gets people to their appointments and practices on time, who has her home in order, is a woman who is far less likely to spurt out accusations and complaints. You may be grumbling at your hubby because you feel as though life is out of control due to disorganization.

With a basic plan and some goal setting getting organized may be more in reach than you think.

When You Are Dissatisfied With The Way You Look

This may sound superficial, however, based on the second most important commandment in the Bible, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” it is not too far fetched to consider that if you are dissatisfied with the way you look, or the person that you are in general, it is very difficult to show love to you neighbor, in this case your husband.

I am one of these yo-yo dieters who is forever trying to lose several kilos. When I get on the scale in the morning, after having done my best to watch my weight the day before, and it shows that I have gained a few grams, I feel discouraged and dissatisfied. Unfortunately, this at times affects my general attitude towards my sweet husband (who happens to be crazy about me no matter what I weigh!). It’s a long shot, but I thought I would include this point, because you may have your scale dictate your reactions to your hubby, too, so it may be an issue you should be aware of.

Well, my friend, can you recognize the source of your irratibility and anger among any of the above scenarios?

Unfortunately, I have written these from my own experience and my poor husband has had to endure my lashings due to each of these reasons at one point or another. I am so thankful for his unconditional love, and desire with all my heart to give to him rather than to groan, and to love him rather than to lash out at him.

God certainly did not grant you the gift of your spouse to be a sounding board of the negative aspects of your life.

I challenge you to make 2014 a year where you exercise self control by the power of God, and grow in respect towards your beloved one with a sweet, cheerful, and holy spirit even when you are tired, uncommunicative, unproductive, disorganized, and dissatisfied with the way you look!

Which did you recognize as a common reason for you to lash out and what has helped you to overcome the temptation to do so… feel free to humble yourself to the max! 🙂

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Tehila is an Israeli, God-loving, husband-serving, child-nurturing mom of five sweet little ones whom she homeschools. She resides in beautiful New Zealand from where she blogs at Women Abiding – Encouraging women to abide in God and His Word.
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About womenabiding

Tehila is an Israeli, God-loving, husband-serving, child-nurturing mom of five sweet little ones whom she homeschools. She resides in beautiful New Zealand from where she blogs at Women Abiding – Encouraging women to abide in God and His Word.
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111 Responses to 5 Surprising Reasons Wives Lash Out At Their Husbands

  1. Laura says:

    So true! I can tick a number of those too 🙁
    When I have not been spending the time I need with the Lord, I somehow come to depend on my husband in a way I shouldn’t – and I get so easily irritated because that dependance causes a wierd tension (sometimes only in my own mind!) — then it’s easy to let cross words out of my heart!
    Thanks for sharing! x

    • womenabiding says:

      Yes, my precious Laura! Immersing ourselves in the Lord and His Word is the anecdote. Our own flesh is just too weak, too depraved, and too un-self controlled :-(. Loved having you here <3 xx

  2. Jill F. says:

    Thank you so much for this post and linking it to the Thumping Thursday bloghop. I see myself in many of these and I didn’t realize it until I saw it written in front of me.

    • womenabiding says:

      Sometimes it really does take someone just to put in black and white before our eyes, doesn’t it?! 🙂 Blessings to you, Jill! Thanks for stopping by xx

  3. Angie says:

    OUCH!!! This hits a nerve.

  4. Megan Elford says:

    This is so true, something we all need to hear! My worst moments are when I feel disorganized — the house is a mess, I procrastinated on something and I’m rushing to get it done, or we’re late for something. That’s when I need to remember to zip it, for everyone’s sake! Thank you for the reminder 🙂
    Found you via Fellowship Fridays!

  5. I’m here from the Spiritual Sundays linkup. This is a great post and a fantastic reminder to take a step back when we start getting grouchy and snippy. Thanks!

  6. This is such an important issue and it is so helpful when we share our weaknesses to encourage and support each other in bringing about change. I can relate to so much you have shared here. I would add when I have PMS as well though to the list. I suddenly become so much more aware at this time of the month of all the things my husband is not doing in the home that I think he should be doing and it makes me grouchy. I’m learning to keep a lid on it and recognise it for what it is – my own mood rather than my husband’s fault.
    Thanks for sharing at Essential Fridays.
    Blessings
    Mel from Essential Thing Devotions

  7. Gem says:

    All of the above!

    • womenabiding says:

      What an example to you, Gem, for being so honest. I’m pretty sure we can all admit that we’ve fallen on all of these counts at some point or another! xx

  8. Amanda says:

    Some spot on tips there, especially when I’ve been unproductive and i am angry at myself but lash out at others. Thanks for sharing, visiting from Katharines corner. Have a blessed weekend.

    • womenabiding says:

      Thanks for your openness, Amanda! What a fantastic way to view things… because you are right! It’s often when we are angry at OURSELVES that we lash out at others. Profound! xx

  9. Sylvia says:

    Interesting theories. I think lack of or improper communication is a biggie for me!

  10. Trinity says:

    Interesting post. Thanks for the challenge as we go into a new year!

  11. Rea says:

    It’s definitely when I’m tired and uncommunicative which I’ve also identified even before but chose not to do anything about it. You really hit the nail on the head! I’ve already planned my goals this year so I hope everything will follow through. Love this post! 🙂

    *Dropping by from Countdown in Style

  12. Vernon says:

    You really helped me here. My wife has lashed out on me for all those reason but her main one is when she’s hungry.! And just like you husband, I explain to my wife that her weight is fine but not to her. She must lose more. ( must be a woman thing..lol) The blessing is that she’s aware of her shortcoming and trying her best to change, that’s all I can ask for. I just stay out her way.

    I found your blog through ‘Jumping Tandem’ and I will be back to visit. Great post!

    • womenabiding says:

      Dear Vernon! What a BLESSING to have had you hear and thank you so much for your encouragement. Hunger is a biggie for me too, but I guess in this day and age in the western world, not many people get to the point of ever being truly hungry. Especially as a stay at home mom, there is always food so close by, so I just don’t get to that point very often. But having said that, it would be one I would have definitely added to the list if I’d thought of it!

      Looking forward to having you stop by again! You’re always welcome (and so is your wife! :-))

  13. Maria says:

    Great Topic, My hubby has many qualities but patience is not one of them! He can surprise me on occassion. As long as he gets a good work out! I find him to be a happier person!

    • womenabiding says:

      That’s funny, but great that you know your man, Maria! We can’t change our husbands, but we CAN change ourselves, so it’s important that us wives know what the root of our lashing out is, so that we can change ourselves, with God’s help of course! Blessings to you xx

  14. Thank you so much for helping to make the Thursday Favorite Things blog hop so much fun Hugs!

  15. Completely agree on all accounts. Some of which I can control, some of which I can’t. I did end up apologizing to my husband yesterday for snapping at him when I hadn’t communicated with him. Thanks for sharing and linking up with Countdown in Style! Don’t forget to come back on Friday to see if you were featured!

    ~~April~~
    100lbCountdown.com

    • womenabiding says:

      You’re refreshingly honest, April. And you make a great point which is to ask for forgiveness after we have snapped at our men! Thank you for that… xx

  16. Such amazing insight as always, Tehila. I am always blessed when I stop by Women Abiding! Thanks so much for linking to our Best Of The Weekend party. Pinning now and have a great week!! xo

  17. Brittnei says:

    This is sad but so very true for many of us. I can definitely admit to having snapped because of a few of these things myself, although I’m in a very emotional and sensitive phase of my life with nursing and pregnancy, as a Christian, I know God would want me to try my hardest to do my best to still treat my husband the way I’m supposed to regardless. Thanks for sharing with us at Countdown in Style! Don’t forget to stop by Friday to see if you are featured! xo

    • womenabiding says:

      Appreciate your honesty, girlfriend! As we always tell our children, there is no excuse for sin, so all these and other reasons indeed don’t justify our snapping at our spouses. Always love seeing you here, Brittnei! xx

  18. Kym says:

    A couple of those hit very close to home, and I needed to be told. My struggles with being unproductive and disorganized (because they are very related!) cause me to act defensive and be quick to take offense, and that certainly doesn’t help! Thank you for a timely word of gentle rebuke and reminder to keep my words sweet.

    • womenabiding says:

      I’m glad that this touched a bit of your heart, Kym. It’s helpful when we see things black on white sometimes, and can more clearly identify why we do what we do, isn’t it? God bless you, precious one! xx

  19. Jann Olson says:

    It’s a proven fact that people lash out at the ones they love the most. I feel so blessed that I am married to such a patient and easy going husband. Really no need for lashing. lol! Very rarely that is. Thanks for sharing with SYC.
    hugs,
    Jann

  20. Huh, I had never really thought about the application of self-love to the the concept of loving our neighbor as ourselves. I guess a healthy view of self enables us to love others more.

  21. Diane Roark says:

    I am sad to say that these things are true. Thanks for posting! Thanks also for stopping by and linking up at Saturday Dishes.
    Blessings,
    Diane Roark
    http://www.recipesforourdailybread.com

    • womenabiding says:

      I too wish that this post would not have had to be written, Diane… We live in a fallen, sin-filled world, and unfortunately we are all affected by it. Loved that you stopped by! xx

  22. I love your creative take on encouraging women to show more love and less grump to their hubbies 🙂 Blessings!

  23. Tiffany says:

    I tend to lash out when I’m tired (and hungry). My patience seems so much shorter at those times. Great Post. Found you at DYWW.

    Tiffany
    http://www.pinkfaithtoday.blogspot.com

  24. karen says:

    sounds about right babe…I often have to step back when I am mad and find out why I am mad…usually it can be resolved with no fighting…thanks for sharing

    stopping by from my favorite things Thursdsay

  25. Jill F. says:

    I’ve had 4 of the 5 of these this week. Thanks for joining the Thumping Thursday bloghop again.

  26. I see myself in all of these but especially in the first one. This is a great reminder to lean fully on God and to accept His power to help us live beyond our circumstances.

  27. Good list! I have definitely been guilty of these! I would also add “when I’m not consistently reading the Bible and praying” It’s amazing how taking even just a few minutes a day to commune with God makes a huge difference in how I respond to things throughout the day. Thanks so much for sharing this with Thrive @ Home Thursday. Pinning this! 🙂

    • womenabiding says:

      Totally, Jenni! Thanks so much for adding that crucial point… Spending time with the Lord is the ABC of all our relationships, and especially our marriages. You’ve really blessed me with your comment! xx

  28. Audrey says:

    Uh, all 5.

    today.

    I think I’d better log off and go treat him the right way.

  29. Sylvia R says:

    Wise thoughts here. Glad you wrote this post.
    I’m not surprised you’ve got fatigue as number one. I know when I get tired and keep on pushing, I’m doing something dangerous. I’ll just keep getting more and more irritable and won’t get that much accomplished anyhow. I’ve finally learned to monitor myself for that fatigued and growing-irritated state, and when I catch it, just STOP! I mean, STOP. And go. sit. down! Sometimes just a few minutes rest will restore me (and quiet prayer is a great thing to include), but if not, it may just be that a nap is the most spiritual thing that I can do at this time! Getting to bed at a reasonable hour at night sure helps, also, and playing night owl like I have a natural bent for is, well, really stupid.

    • womenabiding says:

      I love that – “it may be that a nap is the most spiritual thing I can do” – you are so right! I have a natural bent towards being a night owl too, and struggle with it. The earlier I’ve been getting up (in hopes of being a Proverbs 31 woman 🙂 ) the more tired I am in the evening and I go to bed earlier… It’s a cycle…

      You’re wonderful! Thanks for sharing, Sylvia! xx

  30. for me it is failure to communicate…I am so happy you shared this post at the Thursday Favorite Things Blog Hop . Big Hugs

  31. Boy do I relate!! I think the #1 reason I lash out at my husband is because he hasn’t met my expectations, which are usually unrealistic! Thanks for giving me something to think about and linking up to Family Fun Friday.

  32. Sylvia R says:

    Disclaimer: that idea of a nap sometimes being the most spiritual thing you can do isn’t original to me. A former pastor of mine knew A. W. Tozer personally, and one day when they were strolling in the woods, quietly conversing, Tozer said that to him. I don’t think you’ll read it in any of his writings, but it’s a Tozer quote just the same. And I’ve thought about it often once I heard it. I love it, too, and love that it came from him. Gives it more credibility. 😉

    • womenabiding says:

      How humble and precious of you to add this note, Sylvia! I am SO impressed with you!!! That is a beautiful ‘off the record’ quote from Tozer. How special that we have a glimpse into his conversations through you! God bless you, beautiful sister and friend xxx

  33. Thank you so much, Tahila, for sharing this. I don’t struggle in these areas like I once did but I still have one area in particular that I need the Lord to work in transforming me into His image.

  34. Hazel Moon says:

    It is difficult not to see ourselves on your list of reasons wives lash out. I usually keep quiet and seldom lash out, but awhile back when I wanted to do something for myself, I had to say, “My time is NOT my own,” because my hubby usually has something planned for me to do. I think my husband was taken back by those words, because he has seemed more careful to allow me more freedom. Fact is my daughter took me on a 4 day trip to visit people I haven’t seen in years, and have planned for 4 years to do on my own – it just never happened until now. ♥

  35. Sarah D. says:

    This is a good list. I noticed myself in almost all of your examples. I would have to add one, though: Lack of intimacy. My husband and I tend to get irritable with each other when it’s been a while, if you know what I mean. We have small children, so this can happen without us realizing it. Our attitudes toward each other always improve after some “alone time”. =)

    • womenabiding says:

      Oh my friend! You are so right, and THANK YOU for being so bold as to add this one! Intimacy with our hubbies is a gift from the Lord and has so many benefits… when this vital aspect of our marriage relationship is lagging, it certainly does have its consequences… An invaluable comment – thank you, Sarah! xx

  36. Ellie joy says:

    Hi!!! Love this post, almost all are true related for kids as well.
    love even more to find out I know you. So awesome ou have a blog!!
    Will be back!!
    Elisheva 😉

  37. Ellie joy says:

    Israel……I’m good friends with Shelley !! I also have four kids. It’s been a long time ….. So excited to connect with you through this blog, everything I have read is so inspiring – thank you !!! Hugs
    אלישבע.

  38. Sophie says:

    “Being unproductive can make you, as a woman designed to accomplish, serve, and function in the home, feel useless and depressed.”

    You are kidding right? Depressed because I’m not serving my family enough because as a woman I should be serving! Is this article from the 1950s archives? If not, seriously ladies – you are worth more than to simply serve and function in the home!

  39. Brigadon says:

    Your first term disturbed me a great deal. Biblically, when and where does it state that you EVER have the right, duty, or responsibility to ‘discipline’ your husband? In point of fact, the bible states the opposite quite clearly.

    • womenabiding says:

      Dear Brigadon. Thank you so, so, so much for your comment. When I reread the sentence I completely understood where you were coming from. But thankfully I did not at all mean that we need to ‘discipline’ our husbands… When I wrote, “When you feel tired caution should be taken in exerting extra discipline as a wife when dealing with your precious husband” what I meant was that we as wives need to be more disciplined in the way we react to our husbands. So as a wife, when I’m feeling tired, I need to be more self-controlled (exercise self discipline) to not lash out at my man. I’m so sorry for the misunderstanding and for not expressing myself clearly. I hope that you are happy with my clarification. God bless you, dear sister.

  40. Very helpful post, thank you. Stopping by as your neighbor on the #RaRaLinkup. 🙂

  41. Danielle says:

    I love the ideas you put forth in this post!!! I really want my readers to know about this too! I want to share this in my weekly series called “Roll Out The Red Carpet Thursday” – I share bloggers’ amazing posts that I’ve found during the week. I hope that’ ok! Have a great night!

  42. This is such a great post and I can identify with all the reasons but especially being tired and not happy about being me. Thanks for the reminder to not take it out on my husband. Thank you for sharing at Good Morning Mondays. Blessings

  43. I LOVED this post!

    As I read each of the five reasons, I was thinking, “she’s absolutely right!” I could identify with all those things as being reasons why I lash out.

    What I found the most eye-opening was the category of being “uncommunicative”. Those insights really resonated with me!

    I’m so glad I stopped by! I will definitely be saving this blog post for future reading and reminding. 🙂

    • womenabiding says:

      Wonderful! So glad you found this post helpful, Karen! I go back and reread it myself once in a while, believe it or not, just to remind myself of the things that tend to make me lash out at my beloved… God bless you, sweet friend!

  44. Summer says:

    Love this! It is a great reminder to be extra-mindful when one of those triggers is switched, we may not be able to control our inner frustration all the time, but we can absolutely control what comes out (and thank our God, when we don’t He is there to help us start over and try again!). Great post!

  45. Lisa says:

    Thanks for sharing this! Very insightful for all of us. Connecting with you through RaRaLinkup! God bless you.

  46. Karen says:

    These are good! I think another one is when you are anxious or can’t figure out something. I was having trouble figuring out which US history curriculum to pick for my homeschooled high schoolers and got mad at my husband b/c he didn’t seem interested. Now, there’s no way he could have given any helpful advice since he isn’t in the homeschool trenches, but I got irritate anyway. I think that translates to a lot of situation. Our internal angst gets translated right onto our husbands!

    • womenabiding says:

      That’s really insightful, Karen! I guess any frustration has the danger of coming out onto our husbands 🙁 The trick is being self-controlled and aware of when we feel that way, so that we can channel it in the right way… Thank you so much for your comment! 🙂

  47. Kristen says:

    I can relate to all of these, especially the disorganized, cluttered issue. The mess eventually gets to me and all suffer! Visiting from #graceandtruth.

    • womenabiding says:

      It’s wonderful that you can identify so clearly what causes you to be unsettled, Kristen. May God bless you as He continues to work in your life, as He so obviously is doing…

  48. Kristin C says:

    Yep! Those are all pretty familiar, unfortunately!

  49. Oh man, I have been in each of these situations. 90% of the time my grumpiness towards my husband has more to do with me than anything he did. I have definitely been convicted of this. Thanks for sharing your heart on this. 🙂

  50. Lisa Sharp says:

    So true! I think we are all guilty of some, if not all of these things from time to time.

    • womenabiding says:

      Thank you for your humility, Lisa. I guess as long as we’re on a pattern where we are lashing out less and less over the months and years, rather than more and more, we’re heading in the right direction 🙂 Blessings to you…

  51. Bill says:

    My wife is guilty of all of the above including the “hunger” reason. But when I take a closer look, I find that there is one reason that stand above the rest and is the “cause”, while the other reasons are the symptoms: ORGANIZATION. If the Proverbs 31 woman has one quality that define her it is organzation, the kind that comes from having her priorities straight, her house in order, and her energies being used on purpose. Unfortunately for me, her lack of order and “live from the hip” mentality has made my life increasingly unhappy and virtually impossible to take on the type of responsibility that I am used to or reap the subsequent rewards. Our inability to be on time as a couple has already brought shame on our family. I now understand why Proverbs 31 says that “her husband is respected in the gates”. And even worse, im afraid that because of who i married, my children may never have the discipline and structure that i grew up with that has blessed my life in so many ways. I swear if I had one wish, I would use it on my wife being in order….I swear. Her lack of order has even caused me to question whether I was spirit lead to marry her or was a plant from the devil to keep me from living out my calling effectively. It’s hard to win a three legged race when your partner is running in reverse. She grew up without a father in the home and a mother that worked two jobs to stay afloat, so she practically raised herself and i can see why it’s so hard for her to be in order. But no matter how we grew up, abiding in God has a way of naturally rearranging our priorities, clarifying our minds, and helping us get in order. A fruit of the Spirit is self control.

  52. Thanks for your suggestions. I agree with all five reasons. I would add a sixth: periods of stress. Sometimes stress happens that you cannot control (sickness, job loss, death, etc.). It’s very easy to be unkind in these times. However, we do need to make sure that we’re still depending on God to not lash out.

  53. JES says:

    There is a lot of truth in this! Thank you for sharing this encouragement on the Art of Home-Making Mondays! 🙂

  54. Janice Wald says:

    I agree mostly with exhaustion and dissatisfaction over how I look.
    Janice #LiteracyMonday

  55. Rebecca says:

    I can so relate to all these reasons. And I can add one of my own – I have low blood sugar and when I need to eat I’m feeling edgy and grumpy. This week I’m feeling the messy issue. My husband is working on a big computer job and has computers everywhere (or so it seems LOL) and I’m feeling that – “Is my house every going to be straightened up again?” feeling. But all he really is trying to do is bring money into the house to keep us going. But as I read thro’ this list my heart was touched because not one of these reasons had anything to do with what our husbands did or said. My prayer today is – “Lord let me be kind to my husband and to me.” Thanks so much for the reminder to express that love on a day to day basis to that wonderful special person you gave me. “

    • womenabiding says:

      Love your heart, beautiful Rebecca! Even though you could be reacting much less graciously, you are prayerfully loving! You’re such an inspiration… Blessings to you my beloved sister (P.S. please excuse the late response!) xoxoxo

  56. Amber says:

    Yup to these. Especially the tired one. I know I snap when I’m tired. And hungry.

  57. What a helpful and insightful post. My weakness is definitely exhaustion. I can’t be “nice” when I’m tired. I’m snippy and sometimes… explosive.

    This served as a wonderful reminder.

    Thanks for sharing (and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop).

    Wishing you a lovely day.
    xoxo

  58. Lady Lilith says:

    Communication is the key. If you are unable to talk about your feelings, there is nothing to work with.

    • womenabiding says:

      I have definitely found that what you’re saying is true, Lilith! The longer I’m married, the more I see how important communication is, and thankfully the more my husband and I are communicating with one another! Blessings to you today and always xoxo

  59. This is so true and also includes lashing out at your kids.

  60. This post has my name written all over it! I am working on it though. i don’t want my partner to run away…
    #sharethejoylinky

    • womenabiding says:

      Hey Frenchie Mummy! You certainly can’t do much more than be aware of the reasons you’re lashing out at hubs, and work on it! You’re on the right track, and I’m cheering you on from the sidelines! On another note, I checked out your blog and wow, sweet friend! 822 blog followers in 2 months! That is super impressive, and obviously people love what you’re writing and the message you’re sharing!

      Keep up the fantastic work! I am so proud of you!!! xoxo

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